Cerita Melankolis

Terlelap dalam hanyutnya suara merdu yang melantunkan kata-kata bijak. Suara yang berasal dari pita suara seseorang, dia, dia yang selama ini menjadi penyebab utama dari setiap tawa, senyum, depresi, dan juga isakan tangis dariku. Mungkin memang benar adanya bahwa cinta tak harus memiliki. Dan mungkin memang benar adanya bahwa jauh di lubuk hatiku, benih-benih harapan itu belum sepenuhnya hilang termakan fakta. Fakta yang mengingatkanku bahwa dia bukan milikku, dan mungkin tak akan pernah menjadi milikku. Namun apa mau dikata, mendengar suaranya saja aku sudah luluh. Tapi fakta berkata lain, jauh berbeda dari apa yang kuharapkan. Mungkin memang realitas tak harussejalan dengan apa yang diimpikan. Oh, andai saja aku dapat memilih untuk hidup di dunia mimpi dan terus bersamamu, dengan khayalan bahwa kau milikku, namun meninggalkan apa yang aku punya di dunia nyata, mungkin aku akan lebih memilih untuk hidup bersamamu. Ya, andai aku bisa berkata seperti itu. Namun pada akhirnya juga aku tidak bisa merubah realita yang sedang terjadi ini. Maka aku memilih untuk berdiam. Mengamati, mencintai, menjaga, serta mengagumi nya dari kejauhan. Itu pun sudah cukup, walaupun aku bukanlah alasan atas setiap senyummu. Namun biarlah, biarlah aku berbohong bahwa semua itu sudah cukup. Biarlah aku menahan setiap potensi titikan air mata yang siap dikeluarkan oleh mataku kapan saja. Biarlah aku menyimpan semuanya. Karna pada akhirnya, setiap tetesan air mata itu akan berakhir menjadi sia-sia, karna pada akhirnya... Kau juga tak akan pernah tau.dan sekarang pun aku sudah membuktikan pepatah itu, pepatah yang mengatakan bahwa akhir bahagia hanya hidup di dunia khayal. Benar adanya, karna dalam khayalku, kau milikku, bukan miliknya. Semua yang terjadi di dunia penuh kerahasiaan ini memang tak ada yang pasti. Dan jikalau kepastian itu ada, itu adalah fakta bahwa aku mencintaimu dan kau tak akan pernah tahu. #NowPlaying Before You Sleep - Endah N' Rhesa

And what comes around comes back around, but you're the exception

"but if i wanted to go back to that time, what should i do ?" | "why would you even go back to the darkest times of your life ?" | "cause i wanted to fix it" | "but you can't, honey" And i let the darkness slipped into my heart. And it keeps occupying my mind. No one knows. So no one gets hurt. Let it be, and let it vanish by its flows. And even if anyone knows it, i'll let them wonder. Let their lust wanders in nowhere to finish. Yes, this is my ego talks. Altering the certainity, and yet nothing is certain in this world. And so i left you there, or maybe should i turn the table, the truth is opposing my current sentence. I blame no one for whatever happened. We let our negativity drag us separately. And yet you said that we are, or i suppose we were, inseperable. No one knows the future. Except God and the future itself. Maybe our cockiness who brought us this major gap. Or God planned it to be so. No one, not even the oracle. Maybe i've shutted myself for too long until i get stuck into a thing they called 'past'. Or maybe we didn't take too much action and spoken line to picturize what we couldn't say, or as it now, what we will never say. But it's all too late now. We'll never be able to say what we supposed to. Or do stuff we said we'll never eft behind. So prepare yourself a goodbye, and never say hello again. And let's call it a desiny, cause it is what it is jow. So, so long, my used to be love. P.s: John Mayer - Back To You

Hoarded Feelings

“Heart are often broke by unspoken words.” | “But heart are also often broke by spoken words.” | “Why do you keep doing this ?” | “What do I actually did ?” | “You came when I almost found someone who could light up my eyes just as bright as when you lighted it. But then you disrupted everything that almost happen.” | “Leave me alone, then.”

so here we are, at the edge of our encounter. i don't know what happened. i don't know why this thing happened. i don't know, cause you never tell. and would never will. there are so many questions that keeps bumping up in my thought. reasons after explanation wouldn't be clear enough to explain everything, to satisfy my rocked mind.

topics after topics, and finally running out of one. laughter after laughter, and finally ended up with tears. tears. and these teardrops aren't even on the description of joy anymore. and not a single person could define what it is.

it keeps happening. all over again. years by years bypass. and we still could't learn. they say experience teaches you the best. so many experiences we've done through together. and this thing keep happens. all over again. are we the ones who's stupid or the experience taught us nothing ?

“and if I were you, I would just left him”

people around me just seems couldn't stop saying those things. they didn't get it. they'll never will. they don't get how once you love someone, and they came back, you just can't resists it, you just.... can't get over him that easily. eventho you know he'll dig the same hole, even bigger and deeper. and he'll push me down. down. until no one can see me. until no one can hear my screams. until..... i can't see the brightness of the sun.

"leave me alone," you said. and so i did. i won't. i won't bother try to find a topic. i won't. i won't bother capture every single sweet words that comes from your mouth. i won't. i won't bother to reply your super short chats. i won't. i won't bother waste my tears for someone like you. i won't........ if i could........................... but i couldn't.

so this is what happens when you keep your feeling all by yourself

Hoarded feelings. and so does it calls as.

p.s: since i'm an Indonesian, and i think that Raisa's song titled 'Terjebak Nostalgia' will fit this post the best. and this is my favorite verse in this song:

“but i couldn't feel the love, the love you gave to me. i'm stuck, in my room of nostalgia. everything that i feel for him, haven't been changed, even after he left me.”

Not Now, Not Then, Then When ?

“it’s like… he tricked you again. With the same bullshit. The same trick. But you still buy it anyway” | “you know what the world says about love ? it hurts. But sometimes, it’s a good hurt” | “don’t you just tired ?” | “honey, somehow and somewhen in life, you’ll be exactly like who I am right now. You’ll have that one guy you go back to, heartbreak after heartbreak. Nobody knows why, not even you. And still, you ignore the world”

this is not a long post. just a short conversation. know me well, and you'll know how this conversation means so much to me.

p.s: All I Wanted by Paramore

Luck Is A Faithless Friend

“and so I wish the darkness will come into those who says we won’t make it through” | “and that the light will come into us” | “but wouldn’t it be unfair ?” | “what’s not fair ?” | “the fact that we’re shutting the whole world just to be together”

when all you've got is love, and you're rejecting your brain to take control. and you just let it be. would it be fair ? when you're rejecting your brain's calculation for the future because the magnitude is less than you're expecting it'd be. wouldn't it be wrong ? so then again, what's right ? and what's certain ?

when all the people telling you to stop crying and waiting for uncertainties when there's nothing which is fixed in this life. should i stop waiting and crying for the rest of my life ? wouldn't i be numb if i do so ?

"But luck will leave you cause it's a faithless friend. And in the end, when life has got you down, you've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around"

people telling me to stop loving him because in the end, he'll give me an enormous pain. because in the end, we'll broke up anyway. don't you see what's wrong with that line ? telling someone to stop loving their loved ones is like telling someone to stop surviving, because in the end, they'll die anyway.

and even if the whole world is disaccord with whatever happens between us, hold me tight, because just like what John Mayer said: 'Hope isn't something you create, it's something you let inside'

so let's give luck and hope a chance. lots of chance. and i'll let my feelings do the calculation. see how long it could lasts. it doesn't matter whether we'll make it through or not. cause like what you always told me, that the victory itself isn't really matter when you left no regrets in your heart.

so left me no regrets. let's laugh and cry together. laugh because we know we're right and they're wrong. and cry because we don't live in a perennial love and death is the only one who can create a far ravine between us.

p.s: do listen to 'Lost' by Michael Buble. isn't he charming ? :)