Time Has Brought My Heart To You

|| “How can I love when I'm afraid to fall ?” | “if you fall, he'll catch you” | “what if he wouldn't ?” | “Then I'll catch you” ||

when you've felt in love with someone too long, you started to forget. you forget how to move on, you forget how to make a relation with a boy, you forget how to attract boys, and mostly.... you forget how to fall in love, again. when you've felt in love with someone way too long, you thought that that feeling you have for him won't change, you thought that his feelings for you won't change too. and somehow, when you've felt in love with someone too long, you feel like he's your world, you thought that this world is that small, you thought you won't be able to live your life without him. trapped inside a small cubical that won't open its lock by its own.

when you've felt in love with someone too long, you thought that you won't be able to fall for someone else, so you don't bother search. you thought he'll come back to you. so you keep waiting, waiting, and waiting... years by years went away until you finally realized that he won't come back. he already opened his new chapter with someone else.

hurt. betrayed. denial. rejected. and those negative thoughts started to possessed into your brain. how can someone is cruel enough to do this such thing to me ? how can ? how can a couple who used to be inseparable built this long and faraway gap ? how can he opened his chapter without bother waiting for me ? how can he moved on when i'm still waiting at the same page ?

the longer you fall in love with someone, the more you can easily forgive that someone's mistake. cause you thought 'he had done something more hurting than this, if i'm able to continue our relationship in the past, why couldn't i do it again?' so you became numb. numb for every pain he had done. because when you've felt in love with some too long, the only important thing for you is to be with him. and nothing else matter. nothing. not even love. not even pain. and not even happiness...

and i came to this, my awareness. i've waited too long. he gave me too many unfulfilled promises. he turned me into someone i'm not, a numb person. numb enough until she didn't realize that you've hurt her so often. numb enough until she defended you in front of her best friends. numb enough until she sacrificed her time to wait for you.

the most difficult part of moving on is to fall in love, again. putting all the positive thought, courage, and trust to keep moving forward. having a positive thought that this time won't end like the last time, that this time, my relationship will lasts, forever. giving yourself a courage to give them a part in your heart, courage to keep moving forward. and the last is to trust them, trusting them to take a good care of your heart. trusting this relationship. and trusting yourself.

so this is my awareness, he might be worse than you, he might doesn't know a lot about me like you do, he might won't catch me when i fall, but he makes me feel like i'm alive. he finally makes me feel the love i found in you 3 years ago. he might going to give me a major pain just like what you've given to me. but that's okay. that's love. love is about giving someone their happiness, to be with them through all conditions, and sometimes, giving them pain. so they can be stronger.

It's okay to be in pain or any other negative feeling. but never numb

p.s: as usual, re-read this post while listening to John Mayer's song titled "I'm Gonna Find Another You" fit for those who wanted to move on! :p

Al-Chorte [Bulungan Cup XIII]

so, last week, me and my choir team joined the Bulungan Cup competition. the theme of the competition was "old songs" which is kinda difficult. because some people doesn't know 80s song(so do i ;p) but we learned and worked so hard. it wasn't easy at the first time. it takes our commitment, discipline, hard work, sacrifice to finally became the 2nd winner of Bulungan Cup. we were so happy. our hard work has finally payed off :D we also so proud of ourselves. words can't even describe that. and with this victory, i hope we would work harder and learn from the 1st winner to be even better than them ;p

pictures from the competition (sorry for bad pictures, my bro took it and he's not really good at photography ;p)

Wind On The Other Side

“I swore I was fine” | “have you ever noticed that you always say that you were, not you are … ?”

Counting day after days. Counting days since the first day I love you. Hoping, wishing that one day you’ll notice and reflect the word to me. Wordless, when the truth is i have 17millions lines in my head. Keep all the dialogues in my head. Searching for the right time to pull all of those words out. Searching for an excuse just to delay the arrival time. When the truth is there’s no such thing as the right time, i just don’t have the guts. The guts to tell the truth. The guts to figure out. The guts to finally being happy, or sad. The guts to keep moving on to the next level.

Funny how no one ever made a novel or a movie about love just by one side. How movie and novel only have a happy ending. How they never tell us that sometimes love hurts. How the real life is cruel. How sometimes in life you’ll get ignored, rejected, unloved, hurt, but still running and still trying to catch someone. How sometimes you’re willing to jump from a mountain because he promised he’ll catch you, but no, he’s not there, but you already jumped. And after all those scratch you got around your body, you still stand up and run, running with those scratches on your body, because you think you can change his mind. Keep trying and running. Because no one warns you, that love could be that hurt. Because they only say that love is beautiful.

Looking at the mirror, never noticed that it wasn’t really a mirror, it was only a glass. A glass doesn’t reflect, it shows straight to the other side of the glass. But mirror, it reflects. A mirror is a love, while glass is love only by one side. We’re all been there. feeling unloved. Thought that you have something with someone, when the truth is it’s just your imagination.

Creating and arrange the lines in your mind. Hoping that one day, you’ll be having those lines with that someone. But no. it won’t. cause you give up. You know, love does hurts sometimes. But it even hurter when you don’t fight back. Yes maybe you fight, but have you ever declare the war itself ? have you ever told someone you like that you’ve been fighting for him ?

And you know, sometimes we win sometimes we lose. Expect for the best and fight with your best. But the best doesn’t always have to win. Believe. Believe that God already prepare the best for us. It doesn’t mean that we always have to be happy all-the-time. Sometimes we’re at the bottom, sometimes we’re up. And when you’re up, don’t be cocky. God could drag you down anytime God wants.

Take a minute to say thanks to God. Even in your worst days. Be thankful, that the least that could cheer you up J

p.s: re-read this post while listening to The Story Of Us by Taylor Swift. psst, she’s my favorite singer :P

One Step Closer

“are you still in love with her ?” | “that was my fault… I shouldn’t asked her to wait for me”

That was the beginning of this thought. A very clear and , for me, the most mature thing I could ever think of. Loving someone with all of your heart, hoping them to loves you back. To look at you in the eyes, the same way you look at them. Hoping that you’re going to spend the rest of your days with the person you love. Endless conversation, endless laugh, wiping tears together, tears of happiness, cause you thought you’ve finally met the one. The one who’ll make you feel that this life is a wonderful place. The one who’ll share all their secrets to you. The one you could rely on. The one… your only exception. To finally live in your very own fairytale, with him.

But this isn’t a fairytale. God, and so does life, taught us to work hard before we finally get something. Something that really belong to us. Something that only we know how beautiful it is. Something that will stay in our hand, forever. just like a road, this life has some twists, straight, smooth, hard, pebbles, and even a big perforated ways. The difference between life and road is, life doesn’t have the feedback road. You can’t turn around and re-do your mistakes. You could only ask the “IF ONLY” questions to yourself, asking God how can a really beautiful dream could turn into the worst nightmare ever. But all of those questions will only drag you down. Those ‘IF ONLY’ questions are meaningless unless you promise yourself not to repeat all of those mistakes you’ve done in your past. So that you’ll live freely without “If Only” sign in your mind. So that you don’t have to regret and wondering what will your life be if you did something different in your past.

And yes, you’ve done a few or maybe a lot mistakes in your past. And just like road, if you don’t keep moving on, you’ll never reach your destination, where the real happiness, laugh, tears of happiness, and smile waiting for you. You don’t have to pretend anymore. Everyone has their period. Cry, when you’re sad. Smile, when you’re happy. You don’t need to put a wire cable which will force you to keep smiling, even when you don’t feel so. Why force yourself to feel something you don’t really feel ? why force yourself to show people that you’re fine when you’re not ? This is life, not a role-play. You’re free to show your real emotion. Scream, cry, mad, if it necessary.

In this road of life, not everyone will loves you back. Or maybe they were and they changed their mind. And it’s not your fault. It’s useless to keep blaming yourself because of those silly people who don’t respect your love. Yes, you still in love with them. But think again, why would you keep begging someone to love you when they don’t even realize what you have for them ? why would you stay on their track when they don’t even want you ? why ? I know, and I understand, I’ve been there. i even still there. It’s hard. To stop loving someone after all those dreams about spending your life with them. After those fantasies about living your fairytale with your prince. But if you truly loves someone. Then you’ll know, you’ll know that if they changed their mind. Maybe, maybe that this is the best. You don’t need to change your mind too. Love them. Love them with all of your heart. Stay, for a while. Keep following on their track. But then, move. Drive away, drive away to your own track. So you’ll reach your destination.

Like I said before, why would you force yourself to feel something you don’t really feel ? why force yourself to stop loving someone when your heart says the opposite ? Stay, but not too long. Take a breath. Take a very deep and long breath. Your heart needs a break. A long one maybe. Why should we keep moving on when our heart still hurts, still bleeding, still expecting for something, and still loving someone ? stay. Wait. Wait until your heart finally says “yes, I’m ready. I’m ready to fall for someone. I’m ready to run. I’m ready to drive away from him. I’m ready to feel the real happiness. I’m ready to live my life without him. I’m ready to leave him behind.” And you finally realize that he’s only your past and that you won’t be able to re-live those feelings you have before. And for the last time, cry. It’s not because you’re a maudlin person. Cause you know and promise, that this is the last time, the very last time you would shed your tears for him. Because you finally realize, that he’s just another perforated road in your life. Your fuel has finally pointing at the ‘full’ sign. Means you’re ready. Ready to move.

And when you’re moving, look back, not with tears, not with the regret look, but look back with a very proud smile. Because you’ve past one of the hardest chapter in your life. Because you’ve managed yourself to keep moving on. Because you’ve done your best to solve the problem. Because you know that that was just one of the lessons that will bring you to the brighter future. The real wonderful life. The life, the dream, the reality which won’t turn into a nightmare, like before. Because you’ve left him. The ghost in your nightmare.

Be proud of yourself. Smile, not for anyone else, but for you. Smile. Take a break. Then take a shot. Give love one more shot. Give love another shot. No one knows the future. But happy ending surely exist. Maybe not like your fantasy. Maybe you won’t live in a fairytale. Cause honestly, the real happiness isn’t in the fairytale. The real happiness is in reality.

“I’ve loved you for a thousand years, I’ll love you for a thousand more”

p.s: re-read this post with A Thousand Years song from Christina Perri playing in your playlist, I’ve done that. And that surely made me feels better J

[Re-post] Hello, Bali! Hello, ASEAN!

about two weeks ago, i spontaneously went to Bali with my friend, Pocut. i won a quiz from Hello ASEAN event that offers me a chance to go to Bali for 3 days with Arif Muhammad(the author of Pocongg Juga Pocong novel) (@poconggg), Alit(The author of Shitlicious) (@shitlicious) and Raditya Dika(i bet you know who he is :p) (@radityadika). it was amazingly fun. besides having fun in Bali, i also get a chance to study bout ASEAN. So yeah, call it perfect. a vacation with three great inspiring authors, a chance to get away from your daily activities, and also learn bout ASEAN ? it just simply perfect :) it was an unforgettable experience, thank you @HelloASEAN! :D