“are you still in love with her ?” | “that was my fault… I shouldn’t asked her to wait for me”
That was the beginning of this thought. A very clear and , for me, the most mature thing I could ever think of. Loving someone with all of your heart, hoping them to loves you back. To look at you in the eyes, the same way you look at them. Hoping that you’re going to spend the rest of your days with the person you love. Endless conversation, endless laugh, wiping tears together, tears of happiness, cause you thought you’ve finally met the one. The one who’ll make you feel that this life is a wonderful place. The one who’ll share all their secrets to you. The one you could rely on. The one… your only exception. To finally live in your very own fairytale, with him.
But this isn’t a fairytale. God, and so does life, taught us to work hard before we finally get something. Something that really belong to us. Something that only we know how beautiful it is. Something that will stay in our hand, forever. just like a road, this life has some twists, straight, smooth, hard, pebbles, and even a big perforated ways. The difference between life and road is, life doesn’t have the feedback road. You can’t turn around and re-do your mistakes. You could only ask the “IF ONLY” questions to yourself, asking God how can a really beautiful dream could turn into the worst nightmare ever. But all of those questions will only drag you down. Those ‘IF ONLY’ questions are meaningless unless you promise yourself not to repeat all of those mistakes you’ve done in your past. So that you’ll live freely without “If Only” sign in your mind. So that you don’t have to regret and wondering what will your life be if you did something different in your past.
And yes, you’ve done a few or maybe a lot mistakes in your past. And just like road, if you don’t keep moving on, you’ll never reach your destination, where the real happiness, laugh, tears of happiness, and smile waiting for you. You don’t have to pretend anymore. Everyone has their period. Cry, when you’re sad. Smile, when you’re happy. You don’t need to put a wire cable which will force you to keep smiling, even when you don’t feel so. Why force yourself to feel something you don’t really feel ? why force yourself to show people that you’re fine when you’re not ? This is life, not a role-play. You’re free to show your real emotion. Scream, cry, mad, if it necessary.
In this road of life, not everyone will loves you back. Or maybe they were and they changed their mind. And it’s not your fault. It’s useless to keep blaming yourself because of those silly people who don’t respect your love. Yes, you still in love with them. But think again, why would you keep begging someone to love you when they don’t even realize what you have for them ? why would you stay on their track when they don’t even want you ? why ? I know, and I understand, I’ve been there. i even still there. It’s hard. To stop loving someone after all those dreams about spending your life with them. After those fantasies about living your fairytale with your prince. But if you truly loves someone. Then you’ll know, you’ll know that if they changed their mind. Maybe, maybe that this is the best. You don’t need to change your mind too. Love them. Love them with all of your heart. Stay, for a while. Keep following on their track. But then, move. Drive away, drive away to your own track. So you’ll reach your destination.
Like I said before, why would you force yourself to feel something you don’t really feel ? why force yourself to stop loving someone when your heart says the opposite ? Stay, but not too long. Take a breath. Take a very deep and long breath. Your heart needs a break. A long one maybe. Why should we keep moving on when our heart still hurts, still bleeding, still expecting for something, and still loving someone ? stay. Wait. Wait until your heart finally says “yes, I’m ready. I’m ready to fall for someone. I’m ready to run. I’m ready to drive away from him. I’m ready to feel the real happiness. I’m ready to live my life without him. I’m ready to leave him behind.” And you finally realize that he’s only your past and that you won’t be able to re-live those feelings you have before. And for the last time, cry. It’s not because you’re a maudlin person. Cause you know and promise, that this is the last time, the very last time you would shed your tears for him. Because you finally realize, that he’s just another perforated road in your life. Your fuel has finally pointing at the ‘full’ sign. Means you’re ready. Ready to move.
And when you’re moving, look back, not with tears, not with the regret look, but look back with a very proud smile. Because you’ve past one of the hardest chapter in your life. Because you’ve managed yourself to keep moving on. Because you’ve done your best to solve the problem. Because you know that that was just one of the lessons that will bring you to the brighter future. The real wonderful life. The life, the dream, the reality which won’t turn into a nightmare, like before. Because you’ve left him. The ghost in your nightmare.
Be proud of yourself. Smile, not for anyone else, but for you. Smile. Take a break. Then take a shot. Give love one more shot. Give love another shot. No one knows the future. But happy ending surely exist. Maybe not like your fantasy. Maybe you won’t live in a fairytale. Cause honestly, the real happiness isn’t in the fairytale. The real happiness is in reality.
“I’ve loved you for a thousand years, I’ll love you for a thousand more”
p.s: re-read this post with A Thousand Years song from Christina Perri playing in your playlist, I’ve done that. And that surely made me feels better J
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