when you've felt in love with someone too long, you started to forget. you forget how to move on, you forget how to make a relation with a boy, you forget how to attract boys, and mostly.... you forget how to fall in love, again. when you've felt in love with someone way too long, you thought that that feeling you have for him won't change, you thought that his feelings for you won't change too. and somehow, when you've felt in love with someone too long, you feel like he's your world, you thought that this world is that small, you thought you won't be able to live your life without him. trapped inside a small cubical that won't open its lock by its own.
when you've felt in love with someone too long, you thought that you won't be able to fall for someone else, so you don't bother search. you thought he'll come back to you. so you keep waiting, waiting, and waiting... years by years went away until you finally realized that he won't come back. he already opened his new chapter with someone else.
hurt. betrayed. denial. rejected. and those negative thoughts started to possessed into your brain. how can someone is cruel enough to do this such thing to me ? how can ? how can a couple who used to be inseparable built this long and faraway gap ? how can he opened his chapter without bother waiting for me ? how can he moved on when i'm still waiting at the same page ?
the longer you fall in love with someone, the more you can easily forgive that someone's mistake. cause you thought 'he had done something more hurting than this, if i'm able to continue our relationship in the past, why couldn't i do it again?' so you became numb. numb for every pain he had done. because when you've felt in love with some too long, the only important thing for you is to be with him. and nothing else matter. nothing. not even love. not even pain. and not even happiness...
and i came to this, my awareness. i've waited too long. he gave me too many unfulfilled promises. he turned me into someone i'm not, a numb person. numb enough until she didn't realize that you've hurt her so often. numb enough until she defended you in front of her best friends. numb enough until she sacrificed her time to wait for you.
the most difficult part of moving on is to fall in love, again. putting all the positive thought, courage, and trust to keep moving forward. having a positive thought that this time won't end like the last time, that this time, my relationship will lasts, forever. giving yourself a courage to give them a part in your heart, courage to keep moving forward. and the last is to trust them, trusting them to take a good care of your heart. trusting this relationship. and trusting yourself.
so this is my awareness, he might be worse than you, he might doesn't know a lot about me like you do, he might won't catch me when i fall, but he makes me feel like i'm alive. he finally makes me feel the love i found in you 3 years ago. he might going to give me a major pain just like what you've given to me. but that's okay. that's love. love is about giving someone their happiness, to be with them through all conditions, and sometimes, giving them pain. so they can be stronger.
It's okay to be in pain or any other negative feeling. but never numb
p.s: as usual, re-read this post while listening to John Mayer's song titled "I'm Gonna Find Another You" fit for those who wanted to move on! :p
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