Hoarded Feelings

“Heart are often broke by unspoken words.” | “But heart are also often broke by spoken words.” | “Why do you keep doing this ?” | “What do I actually did ?” | “You came when I almost found someone who could light up my eyes just as bright as when you lighted it. But then you disrupted everything that almost happen.” | “Leave me alone, then.”

so here we are, at the edge of our encounter. i don't know what happened. i don't know why this thing happened. i don't know, cause you never tell. and would never will. there are so many questions that keeps bumping up in my thought. reasons after explanation wouldn't be clear enough to explain everything, to satisfy my rocked mind.

topics after topics, and finally running out of one. laughter after laughter, and finally ended up with tears. tears. and these teardrops aren't even on the description of joy anymore. and not a single person could define what it is.

it keeps happening. all over again. years by years bypass. and we still could't learn. they say experience teaches you the best. so many experiences we've done through together. and this thing keep happens. all over again. are we the ones who's stupid or the experience taught us nothing ?

“and if I were you, I would just left him”

people around me just seems couldn't stop saying those things. they didn't get it. they'll never will. they don't get how once you love someone, and they came back, you just can't resists it, you just.... can't get over him that easily. eventho you know he'll dig the same hole, even bigger and deeper. and he'll push me down. down. until no one can see me. until no one can hear my screams. until..... i can't see the brightness of the sun.

"leave me alone," you said. and so i did. i won't. i won't bother try to find a topic. i won't. i won't bother capture every single sweet words that comes from your mouth. i won't. i won't bother to reply your super short chats. i won't. i won't bother waste my tears for someone like you. i won't........ if i could........................... but i couldn't.

so this is what happens when you keep your feeling all by yourself

Hoarded feelings. and so does it calls as.

p.s: since i'm an Indonesian, and i think that Raisa's song titled 'Terjebak Nostalgia' will fit this post the best. and this is my favorite verse in this song:

“but i couldn't feel the love, the love you gave to me. i'm stuck, in my room of nostalgia. everything that i feel for him, haven't been changed, even after he left me.”

Not Now, Not Then, Then When ?

“it’s like… he tricked you again. With the same bullshit. The same trick. But you still buy it anyway” | “you know what the world says about love ? it hurts. But sometimes, it’s a good hurt” | “don’t you just tired ?” | “honey, somehow and somewhen in life, you’ll be exactly like who I am right now. You’ll have that one guy you go back to, heartbreak after heartbreak. Nobody knows why, not even you. And still, you ignore the world”

this is not a long post. just a short conversation. know me well, and you'll know how this conversation means so much to me.

p.s: All I Wanted by Paramore

Luck Is A Faithless Friend

“and so I wish the darkness will come into those who says we won’t make it through” | “and that the light will come into us” | “but wouldn’t it be unfair ?” | “what’s not fair ?” | “the fact that we’re shutting the whole world just to be together”

when all you've got is love, and you're rejecting your brain to take control. and you just let it be. would it be fair ? when you're rejecting your brain's calculation for the future because the magnitude is less than you're expecting it'd be. wouldn't it be wrong ? so then again, what's right ? and what's certain ?

when all the people telling you to stop crying and waiting for uncertainties when there's nothing which is fixed in this life. should i stop waiting and crying for the rest of my life ? wouldn't i be numb if i do so ?

"But luck will leave you cause it's a faithless friend. And in the end, when life has got you down, you've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around"

people telling me to stop loving him because in the end, he'll give me an enormous pain. because in the end, we'll broke up anyway. don't you see what's wrong with that line ? telling someone to stop loving their loved ones is like telling someone to stop surviving, because in the end, they'll die anyway.

and even if the whole world is disaccord with whatever happens between us, hold me tight, because just like what John Mayer said: 'Hope isn't something you create, it's something you let inside'

so let's give luck and hope a chance. lots of chance. and i'll let my feelings do the calculation. see how long it could lasts. it doesn't matter whether we'll make it through or not. cause like what you always told me, that the victory itself isn't really matter when you left no regrets in your heart.

so left me no regrets. let's laugh and cry together. laugh because we know we're right and they're wrong. and cry because we don't live in a perennial love and death is the only one who can create a far ravine between us.

p.s: do listen to 'Lost' by Michael Buble. isn't he charming ? :)

Transparent Prejudice

“And if I trust you to take my hand to direct me, will you hold me tight and sweep away my loneliness ? Will you let me go when I tell you to do so ?” | “What if I don’t want to let you go ? And what if I want to be your eternal preceptor ?” | “Then prove me that you’re feasible to be my exception. And make me feel the cushion in forever”

forever, a very enormous long term of time. the magnitude of forever itself scares the hell outta me. trying to define what it means. and the only thing that comes up into my bias is you. love comes up first, and followed by your name. imagining days after days without your appearance. counting days to finally see your smile. waiting for those gazes from your bright brown eyes to finally collides with my gaze. could it be you ? the one who makes me feel like forever even exist even when it's not ?

to be honest, the idea of having an intimate relationship with someone and spending the rest of my day, month, even year only with 1 person, frighten me. and my independence itself need to be deprived, simply just because he asked me to. how can someone guarantee me that i won't get bored to be with someone ? how can someone make a pledge to me that things will end up perfectly fit to where it should be ?

he's the one. the only one who can expunge my negative prejudice. the only one who can persuade me to have an intimate relationship, simply to dig his bias, simply to discover the side of him that no one even knows. the one, the only one who can makes me feel so safe to say that his eyes solemnly gaze at me. and as we fall apart, he convince me even more. and as we fell to each other, laying on the other side, hearing the sound of our laughter as the backsound, he made a vow. a vow i'll never forget. a vow that made me fall even deeper than i've ever fall, until no one can measure how deep i've fallen.

this is by far my most romantic post, you know, people who are fall in love doesn't need to find any other inspiration. cause you know, the love itself is the most massive inspiration you could ever get.

P.S: since loving him is easy, so please re-read and fathom my post while you're listening to "Loving You Is Easy" by Marie Digby. And yes, i hope we truly end up in the word of 'perennial' itself, chub :)

Friends, Lovers, Or Nothing

“You do realize that you need to stop waiting, you just don’t know how…” | “No, you’re wrong. I’m not on the waiting list anymore. I did realize that I need to stop waiting, so I stopped” | “you might has stopped waiting, but deep inside your heart you’re still hoping, aren’t you ?”

That’s the question I’d never be able to answer. Waiting or hoping. What’s the differences ? you’re either waiting or hoping. Funny, isn’t it ? How feelings could take over your logic. How no matter how many times love has let you down, you keep hoping and wanting for more. How no matter how many times this certain person ignores you, you keep hoping and waiting.

Funny. Even after all these times, I still can’t get him out of my mind while he never even once thinks about me. Funny. How no matter how rude he is being to me, I keep thinking about him. Funny. How he’s being my distraction while I’m being his disturber. Funny. How I always pray to God to make him mine while I never walk across his prayers. Funny, isn’t it ?

He’s the lyrics in every song that I sing. He’s the rhyme in every song that I hum. He’s the sun who gives light into my life. He’s the umbrella that keeps me dry when it’s raining, whether it’s pouring or drizzling. He’s the ink inside my pen. He’s the reason while I’m still wide awake after 12 a.m. He’s the reason why my teacher yells at me to put down my phone. He’s everything, and even more, that I could ever imagine to fulfill my needs, to sweep away my loneliness. He’s the only one that will never make me say “i should’ve listen to them when they said run as fast as i can”.

He’s the one. The only one. But loving someone who doesn’t feel the same way like yours is like using white ink on white paper. It’s invisible. Not a single word could be read. Not a single story could be written. But I do believe in my deepest heart that nothing is impossible. That nothing can’t be changed. I do, it just takes some times. I do believe that I’m stronger than I seem. I do believe that I can change his mid. I do. I do believe that I can wait for a little more. Little more, not many, not much.

Sometimes, you love someone so much that not even the truth can change your mind. Sometimes, you love someone so much until you’re willing to hurt yourself. So meet me where the sky touches the sea, and wait for me where the world begins. I love you.

p.s: re-read this post with Islands by Young The Giant playing in your iTunes

It's Complicated

“hey” …….. “hey ?” …… “anwip ?”……. “hey ?” | “sorry” | “why ?” | “…….”

Complication. between happiness and sadness. between certainty and uncertainty. floating among the things you can't really explain. so here it goes,this is my confession, my awareness. yes, i'm currently having a feeling, a deep feeling, for someone out there. And yes, i've been hanging around with him for quiet a long time. but this is something, just something i can't have. complication, like i said before.

have you ever been in a situation where you know something is clearly there, but something preclude you to have that certain thing. in my status, the hindrance is the status of me and him. how the status of me and him make everything between us become something that we can't have anymore. sucks isn't it ? i used to think that my relationship with him will going smoothly. well actually, it is, and it still is.

maybe it's just me. maybe i care too much bout each other's status. maybe i care too much about what people says. or maybe i just care too much about people's judgement for him. i just can't take the risk to contaminate his good name. i can't even think what'll other people says to him.

too many complications that happens between me and him. and that's what makes me think of us, twice, thrice, over and over again. maybe it's just me... how i over-think everything... even something that haven't happened yet. maybe it's just me... i just don't want to trigger a bad image for him.

should i stop wondering ? should i continue what've happened between me and him ? should i ? or shouldn't i ? it is just too scary.... i like him. i do. i do. but i do care bout his reputation. i do care bout the gap between me and him. i do. i hate it. I hate it when i need to do something for myself, something necessary to do, for my own goods but i still need to care bout people's opinion.

so here it goes, i usually put advice in my post. here it goes... to all lovers out there. if you really truly love your partner. take a risk. ignore people's judgement. go forward. who knows what will happen in the future ? if it worth fighting for, then it's worth risking for. i love him. and that's why i want to take this risk. i do care about each other's reputation. i do. but sometimes, people's judgements aren't always right. ignore them. they'll judge you anyway. just because your love is controversial. doesn't mean you need to give up your love. just because a minority doesn't support you, doesn't mean that you need to stop fight. fight, love, care, that's the recipes for love.

p.s: although i didn't mention any advice in this post and though i just complaining and telling my confusion instead. mind to re-read this post while listening to 'Fall For You' ? :)

Time Has Brought My Heart To You

|| “How can I love when I'm afraid to fall ?” | “if you fall, he'll catch you” | “what if he wouldn't ?” | “Then I'll catch you” ||

when you've felt in love with someone too long, you started to forget. you forget how to move on, you forget how to make a relation with a boy, you forget how to attract boys, and mostly.... you forget how to fall in love, again. when you've felt in love with someone way too long, you thought that that feeling you have for him won't change, you thought that his feelings for you won't change too. and somehow, when you've felt in love with someone too long, you feel like he's your world, you thought that this world is that small, you thought you won't be able to live your life without him. trapped inside a small cubical that won't open its lock by its own.

when you've felt in love with someone too long, you thought that you won't be able to fall for someone else, so you don't bother search. you thought he'll come back to you. so you keep waiting, waiting, and waiting... years by years went away until you finally realized that he won't come back. he already opened his new chapter with someone else.

hurt. betrayed. denial. rejected. and those negative thoughts started to possessed into your brain. how can someone is cruel enough to do this such thing to me ? how can ? how can a couple who used to be inseparable built this long and faraway gap ? how can he opened his chapter without bother waiting for me ? how can he moved on when i'm still waiting at the same page ?

the longer you fall in love with someone, the more you can easily forgive that someone's mistake. cause you thought 'he had done something more hurting than this, if i'm able to continue our relationship in the past, why couldn't i do it again?' so you became numb. numb for every pain he had done. because when you've felt in love with some too long, the only important thing for you is to be with him. and nothing else matter. nothing. not even love. not even pain. and not even happiness...

and i came to this, my awareness. i've waited too long. he gave me too many unfulfilled promises. he turned me into someone i'm not, a numb person. numb enough until she didn't realize that you've hurt her so often. numb enough until she defended you in front of her best friends. numb enough until she sacrificed her time to wait for you.

the most difficult part of moving on is to fall in love, again. putting all the positive thought, courage, and trust to keep moving forward. having a positive thought that this time won't end like the last time, that this time, my relationship will lasts, forever. giving yourself a courage to give them a part in your heart, courage to keep moving forward. and the last is to trust them, trusting them to take a good care of your heart. trusting this relationship. and trusting yourself.

so this is my awareness, he might be worse than you, he might doesn't know a lot about me like you do, he might won't catch me when i fall, but he makes me feel like i'm alive. he finally makes me feel the love i found in you 3 years ago. he might going to give me a major pain just like what you've given to me. but that's okay. that's love. love is about giving someone their happiness, to be with them through all conditions, and sometimes, giving them pain. so they can be stronger.

It's okay to be in pain or any other negative feeling. but never numb

p.s: as usual, re-read this post while listening to John Mayer's song titled "I'm Gonna Find Another You" fit for those who wanted to move on! :p